Saying 'yes' when you want to say 'no'

‘I’ve learnt that I can say no to things and that although it may feel uncomfortable to begin with over time it will get easier. I’m working on setting boundaries and learning to say no more often. It feels amazing not forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do.’

A comment from a client after our session a few months back.

How many times have you said yes to something you really didn’t want to do?

Yes to that invite.

Yes to that extra glass.

Yes to working late.

Yes to babysitting.

Yes to driving.

Yes to a family gathering.

We’ve all been there. And maybe we’ve told ourselves that we need to ‘set boundaries’.

This comes up often with people I work with - reaching a point where they can no longer tolerate saying yes to things that drain them.

You may call yourself a ‘people pleaser’ - trying to accommodate everyone else over and above your own needs. It’s a pattern that is wired into us from a young age. We are taught to be polite, make others feel comfortable, and it’s rude to ask for what we want. It’s literally a module in the curriculum of life!

So no wonder it’s so bloody hard to say no and set boundaries.

Saying no when we (and those around us) are used to us saying yes, can feel excruciatingly uncomfortable because our nervous system perceives this new behaviour as a potential threat. What if this person rejects me? thinks I’m rude? selfish? I’ll be outcasted from the tribe, left to be eaten by the tigers! (Our biology hasn’t evolved for thousands of years, so still pretty dramatic).

So we have to go slowly with our ‘No’s’ at first. Like my wise client did…..

‘I learnt a lovely check in exercise to do each morning or when I'm faced with making a decision or sending a reply. This involves taking a moment to slow down, take a deep breath and check in with how I'm feeling, what thoughts come to mind and what emotions I'm feeling, taking a pause to reflect and listen to myself and acknowledge those feelings before taking action.’

To reassure our nervous system that’s it’s safe for us to say no, we need to pause and check in with our body, emotions and breathe. We don’t have to respond to a request straight away (even though what’s app, messenger and email feels so urgent!). Even in conversation we can create a pause ‘Can I get back to you on that?…’

And the more we practice this new way of being the more familiar it will become, the more assured we will feel and the more we can trust ourselves to have our own back.