Tell yourself a better story

So I am popping in one last time for this year because I wanted to share one last little nugget of wisdom with you. I like to share the things that I've noticed I've been saying or thinking about lately, conversations I've been having or hearing as I think if they are showing up like this for me then maybe they will be useful for other people too.

'Tell yourself a better story'........

Today is my sister’s birthday. She would be 47 years old, but sadly she died 5 years ago from alcoholic liver disease. Over the years I have asked myself many questions about why this happened, why she was the way she was, what I could have done differently, telling myself different answers and trying to make sense of it all. What I've learned is that my brain is trying to create a story line so that it can process what happened and lay it to rest. Situations happen and then we process and try to make sense of them. I have several versions of story lines for my sisters death, some have been very painful and lead to more questions and uncertainty, some lead me down a dead end road of hopelessness and some are now starting to bring me peace. The thing is, when something happens, we immediately start adding meaning to it so that our brain can process and file it and we do this mostly unconsciously. But if we can know that we are creating a story, then we have a chance to create it consciously. If we find ourselves telling ourselves things about a situation that make us feel worse, then why can't we tell ourselves a better story? If our brain is making it up anyway, then we may as well help it out and create a story that brings us some peace.

Very short example......

Situation (fact/truth) - My sister died from alcoholic liver disease.

Version 1 of my story - She chose alcohol over her family, she didn't love us enough.

Version 2 of my story - She couldn't bare to be herself in the world and drinking was the only way she knew how to cope with her pain.

Version 1 makes me feel shit. Version 2 helps me have empathy with her, stops the blame, and allows me some peace.

Notice that the only 'truth' is in the situation. I will never know the full truth as I am not my sister. The rest is guess work, so if I am capable of creating an unhelpful story line, then I am also capable of creating a helpful one.

I know this is pretty heavy and an extreme example, but we are creating story lines all the time about situations (basically, making shit up). Please don't take this personally, it's just what our brains do to make sense of things. But now that you know this, you have more choice and control over the meaning you add to situations and how that makes you feel.

Does this makes sense? Can you see anywhere you are telling yourself a shitty story? How could you write a better version? Let me know.

Photo by Nong Vang on Unsplash