Stop trying to get it ALL right
I never would have described myself as a 'perfectionist' (and I'm not sure it's helpful to label ourselves with such things anyway), but a few situations have cropped up lately where I have noticed myself trying to get EVERYTHING right!
Not wanting to upset anyone.
Wanting to do the right thing.
Afraid of making a mistake.
Worrying about how I could be perceived.
It was pretty stressful and led to a lot of anxious feelings and frustration.
Luckily I spotted these sneaky ways pretty quickly and realised this was a form of 'perfectionism', and once I saw that I reminded myself how ridiculous and incredibly elusive perfection is. I mean what would perfection even look like? Is it even possible? Of course not.
And yet....
It can be very alluring.
'As long as I don't upset anyone, then I will be safe'
'As long as I do the right thing, then I will be safe'
'As long as I get it ALL right, then I will be safe'
'As long as everyone thinks highly of me, then I will be safe'
Many of us (if not most of us) have come to rely on these beliefs as a way to keep ourselves safe. For many reasons, we have been taught that our safety depends on our ability to keep the peace and gain approval from others. Plus we have an innate biological need to be accepted and loved by others. This all makes sense.
BUT.... If we abandon ourselves and our needs in the elusive pursuit of perfectionism, then it actually doesn't keep us safe. When we are constantly trying to get it all right it creates a sense of unsafety in our nervous system and a deep sense of resentment and sadness within us. This is a bloody huge cost to us.
And I know this because I spent years abandoning myself trying to get it all right and experienced the pain that came with that. I also see so much of this in the people I work with...
Playing the role of the peacekeeper in their families
Being the 'glue' that holds a friendship group together
Always being available at work
Treading on eggshells around people that they don't even like
Dimming their own light to not make others uncomfortable
It's so sad.
AND I know it is possible to change these pesky old patterns. It takes courage and really knowing who you are and what you stand for.
In recent situations, I reminded myself that what matters to me is being kind and being honest, and that kindness and honesty had to include me!
This takes more than just changing our minds. It takes practice to feel safe in our bodies, so that when we stop trying to get it all right we can hold the inevitable discomfort that will come up. So that we can trust ourselves that we are still safe even if we make mistakes. That we are safe if someone else is upset. That we are safe even if someone thinks badly about us.
When we do this inner work, it changes our relationship with ourselves and also gives permission to others to drop their perfectionism too. It's very liberating! It's very healing.