Be Your Own Best Friend
Look at that face!!! I couldn’t resist. I have a soft spot for the choccie Labrador having rescued one 2 years ago – Mr Quincy
From mans best friend to being our own best friend…
This is something that comes up for me time and time again. It’s a thread that runs through the work I do with young people and the adults in my workshops. I ran a lunchtime workshop yesterday in the NHS on this topic and I was talking about why would we want to be our own best friend. For me everything starts and ends with us. The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important one we will ever have, so we may as well make it a good one. When we’re kids we get taught how to be kind and make friends with others, but we don’t learn how to be that way with ourselves. I had never really thought about it until I became self-employed and started spending more time with myself. I quickly became my own boss, colleague, mentor and friend and I can tell you it’s been the most interesting and challenging relationship I’ve ever had. It turns out I’m the strictest boss I’ve ever had, always pushing myself and not letting myself have time to switch off and relax. And from conversations yesterday and in general I think we can often be our own worst enemy rather than a best friend.
So how can we treat ourselves like a good friend? Why is it so hard? Well before we can be kind to ourselves and treat ourselves well, we have to believe that we are worth it and that it is worth doing for ourselves and everyone else around us. I think this is an important part of ‘self-care’. When I start talking about this, people often link it with being selfish or indulgent, I have thought this myself. But having experienced people I care about not looking after themselves, putting their own needs aside and being really unkind to themselves to the point of destruction, I know how upsetting, worrying and frustrating that can be to watch. So if you are thinking that being kind to yourself, putting your needs first and being your own best friend is selfish, have a think of the people you love and how you would like them to treat themselves. If everyone in your life was comfortable and happy with themselves what would that be like for you? You are that person to them. It’s our job to find ways to keep ourselves topped up, show ourselves kindness so we can have energy for the people around us.
A lovely saying is ‘If I take care of me for you, will you take care of you for me’.
Breaking up with your inner critic
Something that can get in the way of us being our own best friend is our inner critic. It’s like the ‘gooseberry’ in the relationship, the 3rd wheel! We probably all know this voice pretty well, it can show up as self-doubt, putting ourselves down, beating ourselves up for saying/doing the wrong thing, feeling like we haven’t achieved enough, worrying what other people think about us, basically being a bit of a b*****d to us. Something to remember is that we all have this voice (yep even the people we think are super comfortable in their own skin), it’s part of our survival system, bit like an over protective parent it doesn’t want us to put ourselves at any risk of danger and so will always notice all the negative stuff, our flaws and mistakes. Some ways I’ve found helpful to break up with my inner critic is to get a bit of space in between you, by stopping and asking some questions…
The first thing is to notice you’re being unkind to yourself. By doing this you’ve already interrupted the negative loop.
Ask yourself..
‘Is this helpful?’
Sometimes the inner critic may have something useful to say, but check it out first.
‘Is this true?’
We can fall into the trap of believing that everything we think about ourselves is fact! It’s not, so check it out.
‘Would I speak like this to a good friend?’
Chances are your wouldn’t.
‘Would I take this from someone else?’
Again, probably not, you would tell them to P**s off!
Turning up the volume on your big voice
Your inner critic is a very small part of you. The real you is big, kind and courageous, and can do anything! Rather than trying to battle with the inner critic (because that’s exhausting!), we need to turn up the volume on our big voice, and find our way to access that big, brave beautiful part of us.
Ask yourself this…..
‘What would I say to a good friend right now?’
If someone you love was struggling what would you say -take your own advice.
‘If I was being brave and kind with myself what would I do?’ – Make a feel good list!
Kind and brave can look wildly different to each of us, we may need a kick up the arse but we do it with kindness not harshness. We don’t let ourselves off the hook, we are honest and brave, but we don’t beat ourselves with a stick at the same time. Make a list of things that you would say, do, be if you were being brave and kind with yourself. This list is your access to that big, brave voice in you.
Make a promise to yourself to do one thing on that list every day and treat yourself like a good friend!
If this post caught your eye and you’ve read this far then you’re probably interested in being a bit kinder to yourself. I want you to know that you are important, and people want you to be happy, so do yourself and them a favour and learn to be your own best friend (failing that get a Labrador – a pal for life!;)